A Career Is Only a Fraction of a Life

The single biggest change I have made so far towards total health is a change in mindset about careers. I have always been a driven person, and throughout college, and since then, I have been working single-mindedly towards the career of my dreams. In fact, a career is really all I dreamed about. I wanted to be a college English professor or the director of a writing center with a large staff of eager undergraduate and graduate tutors under me.

When I entered my M.A. program in Teaching English as a Second Language after a month abroad teaching English in China, I shifted that goal to include becoming an English teacher in an intensive English language program. I maintained my desire to become a Writing Center Director as well. These careers are ones that are not easy to come by, and the number of openings versus the number of applicants is not very promising. So, I had to be the best, and as soon as possible.

Every decision I made career-wise was carefully considered and evaluated for its potential for getting me higher up the ladder. I was obsessive about being the leader in my different positions, and I was upset when a co-worker would excel. This extreme competitiveness was toxic for me and led to countless nights laying awake with nervous sweats and thoughts about next moves and minuscule decisions running through my head. I also felt an overwhelming sense that time was slipping through my fingers, that I would be surpassed by others in the field and my colleagues, that I would miss opportunities because of lack of experience or lack of education. In fact, most of the positions I could see myself in required considerably more experience than I had. This feeling of running out of time was with my every day.

I started working in the writing center of a community college about a year ago. As soon as I started, I proposed new programs and expansions to the programs already in place. I was frantically managing details of several projects at once in addition to my normal tutoring duties. I would come home exhausted everyday and then drive almost an hour twice a week for my master's classes. By the time the weekend rolled around, my house was a disaster, I had no food left in the fridge, I felt awful from the constant stress and eating junk throughout the week, and I had a mountain of homework to do. What I wanted to do was sleep all weekend, every weekend.

Several months ago, my boss left the institution, leaving his position open. I thought at first that I wouldn't apply since I wanted to focus on finishing my M.A. and getting healthy, but after a few days of not being able to think about anything but the possibility of moving up and getting a raise, I applied. I got an interview! At that point, I had run myself so ragged that I had developed pneumonia, but I interviewed anyway, fever, crackling lungs and all. I didn't get the job. Someone with more experience got it. This was the last straw. I was miserable. I told my husband, Jacob, that I was going to try something new.

I decided that day to start developing a new way of thinking about my career as a career, and only a career. For so long, for my whole life practically, it had been my life. Being an English teacher is still a goal that I have, but I also have a lot of other goals. I dream of making all of my own clothes, and maybe getting good enough at sewing to sell my creations! I dream of getting a second Master's in a different subject when the time is right, no matter how long it takes. I dream of owing a home that is completely self-sufficient decked out with solar panels and a rain containment system. I dream of working with Jacob to start a craft coffee truck.

So as I continue to make changes, I focus on what I enjoy doing right now. I also focus on where I want to be in the future in various areas of my life: family, love, creativity, health, fitness, and career. I have realized that time is indeed slipping through my fingers, but not in the way I thought before. Time is slipping away when I work myself so hard that I am too exhausted and anxious to enjoy each day.

I still struggle to keep thoughts of a stagnant career or the anxiety that surrounds running out of time from my mind. Sometimes I don't do it very well, but I try to at least be aware of when it is happening and remind myself of where that thinking will get me. I remind myself that I am only 26, and there is a magnificent life ahead of me.

Change: I am striving to place value on every part of my life, not just my career.
              I am striving to enjoy every day